This, in turn, lowers their rates of anxiety and depression. In that context, everyone suffers when parents fail to protect the innocence they created. A child has no perspective from which to cast doubt on these assessments. Intuitively, mothers have a bigger influence on raising a child. Various scientific findings corroborate to this reality. Now, we know that the mother creates the world that the child inhabits and interprets.
So, if the child feels unloved, they believe adulthood might free them from the hurt of being unloved. As they grow up, their feelings may further intensify. Toxic mother-daughter relationships, in particular, are very common, with toxic mother-son relationships slightly rarer. But why the daughters? Is it because those mothers are naturally that way or a very straightforward natural inclination to the opposite gender?
One of the possible reasons for mothers to resent their girls might be the dissatisfaction with their own lives. Mothers are also the women who have lived in an unequal society. Maybe they were forced to do things they never wanted to. Some might have been forced to quit their studies and get married early. Maybe some had to give up their job to continue with an unwanted pregnancy, which was within marriage.
Or maybe even as an outcome of sexual violence. Ultimately, motherhood becomes enforced on such women. And the mother reacts even more nervously against her daughter. When the daughter arrives, she turns her daughter into a mini version of herself.
This group of mothers puts all their hope into their daughter and hopes that she will be grateful to them. Their relationship will be beyond ideal.
However, if they try to resist them , the situation will get worse. For them, it will be nothing more than a theft, a betrayal. Theft, because according to them, their daughters will have taken their dream for themselves. Betrayal, because they will consider that their daughters are in the obligation not only to be grateful to them until the end of their days. They must also — in their eyes — remain their puppets for eternity.
The mother daughter conflict will be unavoidable. When discussing this issue, people often mistakenly limit themselves to early pregnancies. The reality is more complex. Of course, early pregnancies are the most frequent cases, but other situations should not be ignored. Among others, we should mention the pregnancies which put an end to the professional career, or pregnancies which destroy the health of the mother. The first traumatizing experience that comes to mind here is rape.
Why did she give birth to her daughter to torture her in this way? Once again, one must consider the issue from several angles. If she is in a couple, more precisely married, she is unlikely to take the plunge because her partner could later make her life more complicated.
Although she might want to do it, each country has its legislation on the matter. In many countries around the world, she will simply have no choice but to give birth.
Once the baby is born, he will immediately become her whipping boy because she never wanted him to be born. His presence will be an eternal reminder of the hell she went through, with all the ensuing consequences. An unhappy love affair can also be added to the above list. The situation here is ambiguous.
For some women, the child becomes a lifeline that they cling to cope with the daily stress. In some parts of the world, a boy remains preferable to a girl. This is the case in Muslim countries, in many African countries, or in countries like India. This dowry is sometimes so huge that many, not women, but parents, only want to have boys. This possibility increases further if the mother is under constant pressure from her family-in-law.
The same phenomenon can be observed in countries such as Afghanistan or Thailand, where girls from poor families are simply sold in brothels. The mothers who betray their daughters in these countries are many.
Even if this girl escapes from the brothel where she was sold, she cannot count on the support of her mother. In fact, what they hate the most are their actions. A woman who has been in an abusive relationship will expect her daughter to be in the same situation. Nothing the daughter can say to persuade her otherwise will help. The mother reacts as she thinks she would have liked to have been done for her in the past.
She will feel that if people had been more strict, even violent towards her, all her misfortunes would never have happened. These mothers rarely realize that they are traumatizing their daughters. In the end, it will be a nightmare for both the mother and the daughter, who will always be wondering why does my mom hate me so much.
A narcissistic mother embodies this cultural message and adds to it with her own twisted need to be numero uno. Although a narcissistic mother has her moments, she is incapable of being a good mother in the long run. They are not living, breathing individuals to her. They are more like inanimate clay that she has to mold into what she believes they should be. It applies to all her children, but especially to daughters because she identifies with them more.
A narcissistic mother wants her daughter to be the perfect embodiment of a good child. But at the same time, when the daughter is happy or successful, the mother turns jealous and resentful. In fact, in her eyes, her maternal qualities are beyond reproach. It may take her years or even decades to realize that it had nothing to do with her.
Apter, T. Images on this page are courtesy of Freepik: People photo created by freepik — www. I happened to be reading an unrelated article and the word narcissistic jumped at me. Out of curiosity, I decided to click on it just to find out what the word meant. I was lead into a page with the heading; Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As a start to read the article, I nearly fell off the chair as I realised that the symptoms matched, one on one, with my mother. I thought I was the only one in this mess.
I agree. Now that I am I see how her mother was just as bad but I have no desire to continue the chain. I always doubted my own knowledge of how bad it was until I moved awhile for awhile as an Adult and now notice it on visits that I limit now to almost nothing. One of the final reasons was her trying to do so as a grandmother to my kids. That was way more open air then I ever thought it would be. Zero filter as she ages.
I cut most contact and she confronted me in public using her car to cut me off from leaving a gas pump. My sister would push people until they hit her to call the cops on them. Dozens of people. It was madness. She then drank herself to death while living with my mom. I presume this was the day that I would get stuck with the same. The final straw that broke the camels back in our marriage after so many abusive years? It was the sick and twisted way my now ex, shameless turned all his affection and approval and pandering for his own selfish needs to be met toward our pubesent, at the time, daughters after he created such abuse on me, who would no longer stand for it.
One of the few articles to actually name the problem, which mothers come to know all too well, patriarchy. Husbands and fathers encourage and instigate the conflict when expecting their needs to be met above all others.
That too is sickening. The shortage of men caused by war at home or abroad make them a scacrer commidity, along with their earning power and strength and breeds this contemptious attitude that, therefore, these remaining men must be served and catered to regardless of the relationship casualties.
The mother daughter relationship is one of the first. In short, it works. If their feelings are quashed by their husband, I would argue that they are still subject to patriarchy. Just a double-standard, which I would think is even more stressful. I come from an Italian background and the double standards for being both beautiful and well-educated are absurd. I have tried to reconnect with my daughter including seeing her psychiatrist to gain insight without much success.
Please share some light , I want heal my relationship with my daughter. Always had the impression we were friends, travel pals and I her cheerleader. I push for her performance at school and this always was the achilles heels in our relationship.
When she showed lack of self esteem, I encouraged to get into sports and although true that I insisted she remained, when she wanted out of the team. She was good at it and I explained the benefits of team building and physical exercise in her future. When I had accomplishments at work, I brought the news home to celebrate. She has always been very competitive with me, a habit my attempts to discourage prove unsuccessful. She struggles making friends and befriended a group that was into smoking when entering high school.
I put her with a counselor, just to remove her after two sessions, when I found the counselor advised she should not tell me everything as per my daughter.
A year after, I found out she has attempted against her life and resents me for her lack of self worth and that she never considered herself close to me. She also feels my accomplishments put pressure on her and what she can achieve in life. She is in therapy again, but I think, perhaps we should attend mother-daugther therapy. Really interesting. My mother has followed her mother in terms of doing nothing.
Looking back my grandmother smoked, watched TV, had a shockingly poor diet whilst my Grandad pampered to every need and whim. Will sit at work then come home and watch TV. Again no real interest in cooking, never did when I was a child. I imagine it creates a real conflict. Often the reason of the conflicts with parents is their inability to see farther than their education, a huge lack of curiosity, willfully resisting learning anything new.
I never follow traditions unless they make sense now otherwise, they are just outdated knowledge. This combination of internal and external is hard to resolve. The external takes precedence and makes the internal almost impossible to examine; self reflection goes out the window under the stress of it.
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